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Here are a few jokes we thought you all might like:
1)
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon, he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
2)
Late For WorkThe secretary came in late for work for the third day in a row.The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as you please around here?"Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,"My lawyer."
3)
"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months."
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6)
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
7)
JOB APPLICANT: 'I'd like to accept the post, sir, but the last place I worked for paid me a much higher salary.'
BOSS: 'But they didn't have a generous pension scheme like us, did they?'
JOB APPLICANT: 'Oh, yes - in fact it was much more generous.'
BOSS: 'And bonus payments and overtime?'
JOB APPLICANT: 'Certainly.'
BOSS: 'And six weeks' paid holiday a year?'
JOB APPLICANT: 'Yes.'
BOSS: 'Then why on earth did you leave?'
JOB APPLICANT: 'They went bankrupt.'
8)
A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:
HELP WANTED
Must be able to type, have computer skills, and be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at that manager calmly and said, "Meow."
9)
Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
10)
NEW CONTRACT AGREEMENT
After a prolonged strike in an Etobicoke car factory, the general manager was addressing a meeting of the work force. 'You will be pleased to know.' he announced, 'that management have agreed to all your demands. Starting next week, all wages will be increased by 50 per cent, there will be twelve weeks' paid holiday per annum and we shall only work on Fridays.'
'WHAT!!' shouted a voice from the back, 'Every bloody Friday!?'
11)
COMPANY TIME
BOSS: 'You're an hour late! Where have you been?'
CLERK: 'Having my hair cut.'
BOSS: 'What! On company time?!'
CLERK: 'Well, it grew on company time!'
BOSS: 'It didn't all grow on company time!'
CLERK: 'Well, I didn't have it all cut off.'
12)
LOTS OF OVERTIME
BOSS: 'And how long did you work in your previous place of employment?'
JOB APPLICANT: 'Thirty years'
BOSS: 'Hang on a minute! It says on your application from that you are thirty-two years old. How could you have worked there for thirty years?'
JOB APPLICANT: 'I did a lot of overtime'
